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17 August 2008 @ 11:30 pm
Theatrical Muse: Week 244: Question 244  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 786

"That's something I think is growing on me as I get older: happy endings." -- Alice Munro (Bringing Life to Life)

As I get older, I wonder what the future holds for me. Many years ago, nearer to a decade now than just twelve months gone by afterwards, I was a different man, I lead a different life and I had three people I saw every day. My wife and my two sons made up a lot of my world, and in having them to love me and in my loving them also, there was the certainty of a future at my feet. One where they were given the chance to grow up, one where Marianne and I were given the chance to retire and live a little more, there was the slight possibility of grandchildren, of two weddings, of watching our little boys become men. Well, there was a chance to see all that happen, but they were killed during the attacks on the Twin Towers, yes, they were in the Twin Towers when the planes crashed into the buildings, and they were killed, they were murdered. Suddenly, nearing on to a decade now, all those chances went away, and in the time I have had since, I have rethought my future a great deal.

When your life is uprooted like that, when things change so drastically and immediately, and there is no way out, what shock it causes does change you. People try to argue that they aren’t different after suffering tragedy, that they are just as able and as functional as they were before, but the truth is, while they may be able to do all the stuff they could before whatever it was that happened to them, they are still different. When something rips away the part of the very essence that made each of your days bright, while you may recover it in some way, it’s still different, something has changed, something is, gone, and even if it is replaced somehow, it’s never the same.

Seeing that I have changed a lot over the recent years, my future, compared to what it once would have been, is today very different. When I retire, and God forbid that I retire soon, I’ll have grasped on at my job until the very last straw falls out from beneath me. Honestly, now, I want to work as long as my body lets me, whereas before, I think I could have been happy stopping a few years earlier so I could spend more time with my wife. I continue now, because when she and my children died, it occurred in me that I had to keep moving. There was never a question of stopping for me, even if my happy ending was, as one person so eloquently termed it, finished.

What I have to contend with now is that I will face a future more alone compared to some, because, and believe me I have considered it, I don’t think I will find what I have lost again. Mac has tried, and, it didn’t exactly work out, and while I have had, relations, I have not really had relationships since Marianne died. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be replacing her, it would just be someone new and interesting and meaningful, and I doubt whether any woman or man on this Earth could have as much meaning to me as she did. So, my future, is me, alone, doing what I do, doing as I please, being who I am. In my future, I will have my parents, until I die, Marianne’s parents until they die, and always, I will have my friends. I will have my job, until I retire, and, after all this comes to pass, I will simply live on, I will simply continue.

Today, right here, right now, my happy ending is that I continue. Once upon a time long past, it would have been to see my boys grow up, to be assured that they were alright in life and would be ok without me. Once, my happy ending would have been time spent with my wife, with having my family close by my side. Now? It is that I continue, and the reason I continue is because I do not want to stop. Oh yes, their deaths did change me quite a lot, in both personal and mental matters. Now I am still alive, and now I keep going, and in the end, happy ending or not, I will be happy. That is what a happy ending is about after all, is it not? Being happy, for whatever reason you have, because despite all trials and adversities, all evil stepmothers and fierce dragons, you are still here to prove that you have succeeded in some way, in any way, possible.
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: Apres Moi - Regina Spektor