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24 November 2007 @ 06:55 pm
Theatrical Muse: Week 206: Question 206  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 1093

What do you live for?

If that had been asked of me before September 2001, my answer would be very different, although I suspect that even now, what I currently live for, shares glaring similarities with what I used to have to inspire me onwards. Except the harsh reality is that the people I live for, those three people, my wife and sons, are now dead. No longer do I have them present with me, physically, in my day to day life, to tell me stories of school activities, or the trivialities of the hierarchical business world. I don’t get the pleasure of waking up to them every morning, I don’t get to grow older with them by my side, I don’t get to walk with them and show my sons all the wonderful things that the world holds. No, I don’t, because they were killed by a burning inferno of fire and a crazy rush of falling rubble. I don’t even know where their bodies are, if there’s anything left of them, and imagine that, imagine how all the rubble was taken away to be put to rubbish tips. Then, maybe my darling, my babies, were in it, all in tiny pieces, black, charred, unidentifiable from what was and what never was, alive.

I have always been a believer in the strength of the human spirit as strong and indomitable force that keeps us going despite extreme adversity. After all that I have been through in recent years I still do not doubt this. If I didn’t care for life like how I do, if I did not find enjoyment in many things, large, small, complicated or simple, if I was just mindlessly going from day to day, then I don’t know how I would have dealt with becoming a widower, with becoming childless. Oh yes, the argument does go, that people should be self sufficient, that they should not have to be dependent on others to keep them occupied or happy. This is true, but only to a certain extent, because shutting yourself off completely from the influences of others, never works out very well, as far as I am concerned. There needs to be a happy medium in-between the two poles, where you can work by yourself, be happy at your own accord, but still find pleasure on other people. People need other people, that is simple, because we need others for comfort, for happiness, for support.

Now, without the three of people I love the most, I have had to relearn another happy medium between achieving happiness by myself, and through achieving pleasure by having the company of others. Because I am alone at home a lot more, I have changed the way I live my life a little. I work more, I still try to go out, and I still have friends from before, who I socialise with, party with, swing with. Things have changed drastically for me and how I lead my life, and believe me; it takes a long time to get used to. Even I’m not sure how long, because I still have inklings sometimes, that I should be somewhere, doing something that I would have done with them, for them, when I do not have to.

The sad thing, when it comes to how I lead my life, is how so many of things I had become familiar with, those day to day activities of husbands, of parents, have now dropped away. I don’t have to go to parent and teacher nights, or office Christmas parties, there is nothing that connects me, really, to the daily lives which Marianne, Christopher and Michael, lead. No, there is not much left anymore, if anything, because I am not doing anything with them, and I miss that, I do, because I should have had all these things going for me still, to be honest.

I muse though, on what I live for now, yes, I have done that a lot while contemplating how to continue on without them. Now every day, I wake up and I know they will not be there. Life continues on in New York City like they had never existed at all, and this bothers me, only a little, because I know how rapidly life moves on, and that it is nothing personal. Every day, I function, and I continue, I push myself onwards, because now, I am a happy man, someone who believes in continuing. So what do I live for? I confess, while I may live for myself now, while I may live to work and provide for myself, to keep my home and my possessions in order, this is only a basic level of functioning. When I feel sad, when I doubt myself, when I feel like stopping short, never to go again, I remind myself of all that I have lost, and I live, I live for them!

People need company, people need appreciation because no human can really go forever without contact with someone else, something else that provides and receives love. People like me, even if they are just single, without ever having lost someone, still have parents, still have friends, and occasionally, they have pets. If I had never met my wife, if I had never had my sons, if I had been single all my life, then friends, family and pets would suffice, although I know, I would still need something more. The fact is, I have had a life, I really have, that was vastly different from what I have now. I lived then, because not only was I alive, and content with myself, but I also had three other beautiful people to share it with. Without them, now, I live for myself, and I live for their memory.

Today, and tomorrow and forever more as long as I live, I continue because at least, for what time I did have with them, I had them by my side, and in the present day, with that no longer true, the essence of their collected vibrancy remains, and it must suffice. It needs to, and it does, their memory, because I can never forget them, I can never forget who they were, and how they inspired me to continue. The fact that I do so, without them even here, is a show of what I live for. Truthfully, yes, I live for four things above all others. I live for me, for them, I live for family and friends collectively, and finally, for life itself, and everything that it contains.
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Current Music: Lady - Regina Spektor