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21 October 2007 @ 11:37 pm
Theatrical Muse: Week 201: Question 201  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 923

Talk about something you lost.

It is not an amusing thing, losing a certain way of functioning in life, after you have spent decades operating in such a way. It’s not amusing at all, but people deal with death in different ways, and I know that some people do use humour on occasion, so it can’t be excluded, even if, when it came to me, personally, I wasn’t one of them. I have lost many things in my life, from pens, to pencils, to a set of keys and a book, but losing people is another matter. Losing people you love for good, when they die, affects you deep down beyond all notions of reasoning and order, and it does change you somehow, the terror and pain invoked by loss and sadness. I am a similar man now, to how I was before I lost my wife and sons, but this is only really through the effort of family, friends, and many hours spent in concentrated thought. I’m only really here now because of all the people who like and who love me, and that includes the memories of the people I have lost.

Many years ago now, I married my wife Marianne. I did it when we were young, just after we had both turned eighteen. As younger teenagers, when we first met, something clicked between us, and in time, it felt like the world had fallen into place, that whatever it was we had, was the right way to go. As we progressed, I’m not saying we were a perfect couple, no, we had our arguments, our disagreements, and she liked some things a lot more than I did, but we worked out those minor differences, we gave fair play a go, and we always got along, so very well. We were bizarre compared to some other people, I know that, because we indulged in things of a nature not associated with normal life. We never broke the law, but we had our impulses that we acted on, our preferences that we indulged in. It is a wonderful thing, you know, having someone who matches you so greatly, who is always willing to love you, who you know very well, that the small imperfections that come along, don’t matter.

I can understand that people had doubts about us when we got together, because of our age and out level of experience with life. We did well though, she got into the business side of things, and I got into cooking, and we made a life for ourselves, going to university together eventually, at one point in our lives. We indulged in pleasurable things, but we also dedicated time to learning and expanding our knowledge. We acted in small theatre groups, and had thoughtful discussions with each other on books and quotes, on history and current events. If I was home before her, I tried to get dinner ready, and she would help with the dishes. We did, over time, over decades, all these things, like you would imagine a couple might do, and we did, so much more.

So, to lose that, was hard, and it still is. Where I work, in my job as a Medical Examiner, some people generally seem to assume that I am married. I still wear my wedding ring when I am doing things like paperwork, and I am very good at dealing with people who have just lost a loved one, because, well, I must know what it is like to love, right? I also have the habit of carrying on false conversations when people who I would rather not know the truth, begin talking about whatever family I may have, and might they come to the Christmas party or a dinner being held over at someone’s place. I don’t do this a lot, though, because people rarely ask, and if it, if it gets too much, I am good at pretending, and just going everywhere alone. There are people who know though, Mac, Stella, some others, and they let me carry on how I am, with whatever pretence I chose to have at that point in time.

My name is Sid Hammerback and I lost my wife and my two boys when those planes crashed into the Twin Towers on the 11th of September, 2001. They were up there, having a normal day, while she showed them how big people worked, and they must have been fascinated with it, for the short time they had to live the experience. That is a simple question, asking about something I have lost, but it is a matter, familial death, the death of not one, but three loved ones, that I have to talk about when I answer things like this, that makes it so complex. That day, way back then, all those years ago, my life changed for the worst, and I have spent the better part of all my time since then, putting myself back together again, and then continuing onwards, a changed man. Even now, my head hangs low, and I can feel my throat tightening, because I still miss them, I still love them, and I lost them. Nothing will ever fix that, no matter what anyone says, because I had a wife and two children, they were all healthy and they all loved me and I lost them. I don’t have them anymore, and unlike a set of keys or a hat, I can never get them back, I can never retrieve them or replace them, ever.
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