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20 July 2007 @ 10:26 pm
Theatrical Muse: Week 188: Question 188  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 962


Write two letters: One to someone you hurt and the other to someone who hurt you.


Dear Marianne,

I am sorry for never saying goodbye properly before you died. I didn’t know it was coming, but I regret this still, all these years after you have been gone. I am sorry that on that day, when certain events arranged themselves within our world, that I didn’t suddenly decide to just take you out, somewhere, with Christopher and Michael, so I could keep you safe from harm. I could never find your bones, your remains, and it scares me sometimes, to think that you are just sitting there, somewhere, in a pile of rubble in a rubbish tip, or on top of a building, hidden behind an air conditioning outlet. There are three empty coffins though, we had a funeral for you though, and filled those empty boxes with our memories and our well wishes.

If I am very honest here, I knew you, all you three, were dead the moment the planes hit and things started falling down. Something ripped itself out from within me, perhaps it was all the decades we had spent together as lovers, even before we were married, or maybe it was just that bond between us four, between you and me so much, that we could always tell when something was wrong with the other person, or the other lot of people. I didn’t do anything that first day, no, I didn’t, I couldn’t. I did the day after, though, and every day after that until the terror was finished with, and the reconstruction could begin. I visit Ground Zero, that’s what it is called now, Marianne, and I watch the television specials, I soak up the information, I remember all these bits of why you’re no longer here.

I’m sorry if I ever hurt you in letting you go. I know that’s a foolish thought, but I still can’t help but think I could have stopped you from going, and just prevented all this pain. I did that sometimes, remember, kept you home from work, just for the sake of spending a day together? However, I’ve come to mostly accept the fact now, that there wasn’t much I could have done, really, having woken up that day and accepting it as normal, which really, it should have been, it ought to have been, at least.

I work fully as a Medical Examiner, still, but my role gets bigger, grows in strengths bit by bit. We changed premises and I work in a relatively new morgue, with lots of shiny new toys, lots of things to work with and discover. Do you remember Mac, and how you used to see Claire? Well, Claire died when you did, when Michael and Christopher did, so we sit together sometimes, share dinner, keep each other’s company more often than we used to. He knows what it’s like after all, to have lost someone, and he tries to understand what it’s like to miss my children. I do miss them, Queenie, they’re gone and, I miss them, I miss you, and all the things we have done together, all the things we could have done.

I have, as you would fondly refer to, bedded other women, since your death, but I have the inkling that you would not mind. I don’t think I’ll ever marry again, though, because, what we had, how do I create what we formed over decades and decades? There isn’t anyone like you, that is true, and even if someone similar came along, I don’t feel the same way about other people as I did about you. I don’t know if it’s possible, I mean, I’m not closing off the fact of it being a possibility, I just think that it is very unlikely.

A lot of your stuff is still around the house, some shoes, some clothes, things that I haven’t packed away into boxes and out into cupboards. The bathroom looks a bit different without your shampoo in the shower, and the sheets had to be changed eventually, but I took care of everything. I cancelled all your things, I informed the boy’s school about them, I did those things.

Several of our normal and some of our special friends took me in after you passed, kept me in the loop of the lifestyle we had. I keep up with some of the parties and events we attended, and I can still tie a good knot, crack a good whip. I still know people, I still do the things I enjoy, Marianne, don’t worry about that.

I do miss you though, as well as Chris and Mike. I was sad for a very long time after you were gone, and I still am now, sad, but I am better than I once was. I could have gone down a very dark path, and I did for a brief while, but the collective memory of you all helped get me better, helped me to continue. Sometimes I don’t sleep very well, and sometimes I get very lonely, but I have friends, I have our family as well, and the memories of all three of you.

I love you Marianne, I always will. I love Christopher and Michael, and I always will. Nothing will ever change how important you and our two sons were to me, nothing, not ever, will make that differ from how it truly is. I continue without you, because I at least had you for all the time that I did. The life that we had together, all its ups and downs and roundabouts, were wonderful times, and we did wonderful, beautiful things together, that I know, wholeheartedly.

I love you Marianne. Give my words and thoughts to Christopher and Michael if that is possible.

Yours always, Sid Hammerback.
 
 
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