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10 July 2006 @ 12:26 am
Theatrical Muse: Week 132: Question 132  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 575


What makes you angriest?


Many things make me angry, simply because, I am not a perfect human being. Whether I like it or not, I am susceptible to, and have experienced in my lifetime, greed, gluttony, wrath, sloth, envy, lust and pride. Similarly, but oppositely, I am susceptible to, and have experienced in my lifetime, humility, kindness, abstinence, chastity, patience, liberality and diligence. The seven deadly sins and the seven heavenly virtues, all available, for me to use or feel at my merest whim. However, unlike some, particularly people such as rapists and murders, drug addicts and abusers, I have a certain degree of control. I may like to kill the asshole who cuts in front of me, this is, a brief amount of anger, nothing much, nothing of extreme, vital importance.

The thing that makes me the angriest is the hate that I see in my job. I cut up dead people for a living, and in doing that I see all the variations of death. I see homicides, suicides, accidental deaths, gang bashings, rapes, abuse cases, and so many other ways that have resulted in a life being ended. Usually, there must be so hate involved in order for someone to end someone else’s life. To do such a thing in cold blood, is something perfectly inconceivable to a child, and, even as an adult, it’s hard for me to understand some of the method behind it. I can understand shooting for protection, but holding someone’s head to the floor while they beg for their life? It’s cruel, and I often wish that it didn’t happen, but I still take my part seriously, I still do my job to the best of my ability.

In my job, I can’t let the anger, or the hate for the despicable people who willingly end the life of another person, or even people. It’s like trying to make the perfect soufflé. You have to be careful, precise, and most importantly, you have to get the job done. Whether I’m making myself dessert, or cutting up a dead body to find out what has been done to it, and possibly, some clues as to who and why, I always get the job done. It’s part of who I am, and always will be, and, in the same way, I will never give up. Do you know why? Simply because I do not want to. I may be angry, I may be proud, but I’m not a lonely, grouchy old miser, consumed by fear, anger, hatred and rage. I feel this things, but they don’t overcome me, and for all my bad feelings, I’m content in the fact that I am safe from ever letting them rule my life.

When Marianne was alive, I could never imagine life without her. Never, ever, ever, could I see myself being without her, especially so early. Yet, here I am, and, although I miss her, and our two sons, every day of my life, I still go on. I know they would hate me if I didn’t, because that’s just the kind of people they were. We all liked being happy and content, and I am going to keep doing that, because it’s what I have to do. There’s no purely mathematical or scientifically explanation to it, it is, just what I have to do. I have to gone on, because I need to keep being happy and content, because, really, I need to live.
 
 
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