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31 March 2007 @ 02:00 pm
Theatrical Muse: Week 171: Question 171  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 848

What is the biggest mistake you've made in a relationship?

A good, functioning relationship, or so I’ve experienced, is based in part on the art of give and take. Giving pleasure and receiving pleasurable acts. Giving the cooking of dinner and taking responsibility of cleaning up and doing the dishes afterwards so whoever it is, can relax with a glass of wine, watch some television and be at ease with the world. Or, as it were, apologising for turning on the water while your significant other is in the shower, and taking the vengeful shove when she pushes you onto the couch, dripping water all over the good shirt you only wore out to buy milk, and were going to wear to work the next day.

A good relationship does not involve death, unless of course, you get off on asphyxiation play, and even then, the death is only mimed, never real, only playing and indulgence in sexual fantasy. The same thing for those who indulgence in blood and vampirism play, but, I am a knowledgeable man, and this is a gruesome sidetrack that not all people may derive a good form of feeling or attention from and to, I get that. Not that I do exactly, but in learning about the carnal world, one should know even just a few of the things he may never induce himself into, just so he knows, in case they are mentioned or demanded of him.

There is a period in grief were some people, myself included, wonder if it is their fault that their loved one has died. Of course, if a jilted lover killed their love interested in psychotic rage, then, yes, it is directly their fault. But, if someone dies through accident, through murder by someone else’s hands or actions, then many times, as I have seen, and once have experienced, people question what they could have done to prevent it. Could they have stayed home that stay and staved off the home invasion, or called 911 after the bullet stung or the knife plunged? Could they have taken their friend, their lover, their son, daughter, uncle, mother, grandparent, aside and told them that day was irrelevant and that they would love to spend some time with them, alone, somewhere, together?

The questions persists in some of us who are grieving and processing the absence of some person or another that we were attached to, however strong, in whatever form. Would an impromptu and uncalled for action, that was not thought of before the event, have saved whoever, whenever, from death? Of course, not being able to pre-empt most cases of murder and destruction, this cannot be scientifically proven. Yet, as someone who has experienced it and thought it out in many terms of completeness, yes, if I had made a decision to make my wife stay home that day, then there is a very large chance that she would still be with me still.

The thought that defeats all of this of course is the fact that, not being able to predict the future, we most certainly can not demand, at a whim, pre-emptive and distractive actions to save the people we love. We can do our best to keep them safe, but withholding keeping them home everyday under lock and key, we can’t really stop them walking into accidents or death causing events. Although, it is indeed shown that some chance accidents and occurrences have indeed saved some people from a worse fate. That is why the word chance exists, however, because chance happenings are just that, occurrences and actions taken within a period of time, that occur so randomly that their ramifications are often surprising.

So, I have dawdled long enough, yes? I do tend to ramble, I know, but that is half of what makes me so endearing. It also helps when I am trying to construct evidence together, that I can deviate mindlessly for a moment, while I collect my thoughts. So now, having collected my thoughts and explained my devices, I will answer the question. My worst, my biggest mistake in a relationship? While it was impossible to imagine what course of events and actions would unfold that day I helped my wife put our children into the car, when I farewelled them for the last time, there is a little part of me that will always regret not stopping them. Not retracting them from travelling, for some unexplainable reason, and making them stay behind, so I could have my own chance moment, and save all three of them. My worst mistake as someone significant to someone else? I let them go, because in that day, in those moments as they travelled off, the reign of normality in my life, had not been broken. There was nothing I could have done, really, to prevent them from dying, because I largely went about my life in those few hours beforehand, as I normally did, in fact, entirely so. Yet, I let them go, and somewhere, something deep down within me, keeps trying to tell me, what if, what if it had been different.
Current Mood: sadaggrieved
Current Music: Lady - Regina Spektor