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20 February 2007 @ 11:09 am
Theatrical Muse: Week 166: Question 166  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 950

Do you believe in ghosts?

There are some people in the world who are believed to have special powers which enable them to converse with the dead on some of many various described levels. While I have never been in severely close contact with a medium or psychic, to the point that they might give me information about the people within my life who are deceased, it is nice to think that they might exist somewhere, on some people, passing on messages from the dead, to the living. I have thought, occasionally, what I might say to Marianne, Christopher and Michael, if I got the chance to, ah, converse with them as it were, and I have put some thought into what they might say to me, but it is not a fact I think about often. The truth of the matter is that nothing will bring them back, so, here I am, left to continue with who and what I have left.

I do believe in ghosts, in some way or another. Never having experienced a ghostly experience per say, I can’t say whether this belief is absolutely founded, but it is a nice thought, something which I can take solace in, that there is a way to contact those we have loved and lost through various means. The question prevails as to good kinds of ghosts or bad spirits, and so on and so forth, but I am just trying to give a simple answer here. I believe in ghosts, but it is not a thought, nor interest, that is in anyway extremely prevalent or evident in my life. It is something which, merely, has come into my mind at one point, and which I have made a conscious decision about. No more, no less, not really.

When Marianne, Christopher and Michael died, I felt them pass on, I felt them die. For one single, gory, shining moment, I could feel this surge of pain and terror, and then, emptiness. I could tell, that something had happened, and eventually, all around me, I felt, heard and saw the ramifications of the tower’s destruction. The fire and the debris, the sounds of wailing engines and the scrape of my hands against poured concrete as I dove into the fray, lifting, working, sweating, helping. After the Twin Towers fell, there was this curio of commotion, a definite and yet abstract sense of panic and an amalgamation of, how can I say it, solidarity, between all the New Yorkers there at the time, all the tourists and passers through as well.

Now, even though we have spread across the world, even though people have left the city, back to their homes, back to where they came from, moving on from all those years ago, we still share the same togetherness. We were there when it happened, we experienced it, the, flashes of pain and terror. I know Mac, as one of the people who lost someone that day, and over the years, I gradually have come to know more and more of the people affected. But it stays the same, though, now, all these years later, that no one is coming back. Now, we are not in the waking moments after, when heaven nor Earth existed here nor there, and neither did absolute certainty, and there is no hope for finding those living, only their remains.

So, when you ask me if I believe in ghosts, I have tried to tell you in my own way. No, I have never personally seen or met a ghost, but I have, from time to time, had the strong inclination that there is a presence here or there. I am by no means psychic, nor psychically inclined to be one. For me, where ghosts exist the most, they are a different kind of ghost, not the spook or the spirit, no, no. Ghosts of the past haunt me, constantly, memories and figments of some past moment, and sometimes I wonder what I could have done differently to change things.

Of course, now, I have learnt to manage my moments of sadness and regret, and I can see this is a normal process of mourning, and a hole that, most likely, will always remain open, for the rest of my life. But sometimes, walking down a street we walked down, passing by a playground we played at, a store we shopped at often, I can’t help but be haunted by my past. So, my ghosts, most often, are not spirits, just memories of things been and done that I don’t really do anymore. Yes, though, I believe in ghosts, and in ghosts of the past, as it were. However, since I must continue in my life, I have needed to accept some facts as real and based in the here and now. My wife and children are gone forever, and unless I somehow find someone who can show, believingly, their presence continues on a physical, spiritual level, then I am content with just believing in ghosts in the way I currently think about them.

I feel their presence in my life every day, when I wake up in the morning, when I think about the man I became with their influence in my life. I can not argue the fact that nothing will bring them back, especially after all the time that has passed. So, ghosts can be ghosts, if they want, they can exist or not exist in some moment of life, but I do not focus on them. I believe in them, I believe there is a possibility, but I leave it at that, for I truly have no more point to argue on this topic. Thank you.
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