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18 June 2006 @ 02:32 pm
Theatrical Muse: Week 130: Question 130  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 719


Loyalty.


Loyalty is important. Loyalty helps the world, and the whole of society, function, and continue to function, because, without loyalty, ties break, and when that happens, things become disorganized. Mac, Stella, Danny, Lindsay, Sheldon, Don and I, we’re public servants, and we have to be loyal to the people that we serve, in our respective roles. They have to investigate the crime, and hopefully solve it, and often, I am quite instrumental in helping that to come about. Really, when you look at it as a complete and working system, solving the crime is the team effort. It first comes with them going to the scene, and going through it with a fine tooth comb and some tweezers, and then them bringing the body, or, what’s left of it, to me, so I can do my own work, and collect my own clues. That’s why we specialise, you see, because all the different parts we can, and do, contribute to the lab, fit together to make it work. Because of that, we have to be loyal to each other, and loyal to the victim. Nothing, in our jobs, can afford to be overlooked, because it all goes towards hopefully, solving and closing the case that we are working on. I get this odd sense of satisfaction when that happens, like I’ve just eat a fine, and very expensive, steak, but better.

I love my job, really, I do, because now, I often find that, at the end of the day, it’s all I have left. I’m devoted to my work, and perfectly happy to work long, and even multiple, shifts, or, long and multiple shifts. Sure, I like spending time at home too, reading, and, typing, and, cooking, but that’s different in quite a few ways. At work, in the morgue, it’s quiet, and despite that quietness, I can just throw my whole head and my whole heart, into things, but at home, even though it, also, is quiet, I sometimes find it harder to become completely absorbed in whatever I’m doing. I say sometimes, because it can, and does happen, but doing so, can either be easy, or hard, or something in between. Sometimes, I really have to try and forget about the past before I cook myself dinner or sit down to read a new book that I have bought. At work, doing something and not thinking about anything else, seems to come naturally, for me. That’s comforting some of the time, especially when times are hard, have gotten hard, or, are getting hard.

Maybe, it might have been easier if I had failed in having loyalty to my family, but I never did. I didn’t leave them for some blond bimbo, and let them fend for themselves, no, no, no, no, I didn’t. I didn’t abandon them or abuse them, I only loved them, and in doing that, in doing just that, I loved them unconditionally. Marianne, Christopher, and Michael, I loved them all equally, and so, so, very, very, much. The thing is, I was loyal, and they’re dead, and, it wasn’t even my fault that they died. Sadly, I know too much to always blame myself for their deaths, because, it wasn’t my fault. Yet, despite that, I still kick myself for not asking them to stay home on that day, I mean, hell, they had the day off and she was taking them to work, we could have gone to the zoo instead. Yet, they were so excited to spend that day, high up in the towers, with their mother, helping her. I had to let them go, and because I let them go, they died. I should have been loyal, and I was, so very much, yet, at the same time, I wasn’t.

The worst thing is, there was nothing I could have done, and, yet, there was. I could have done everything, and my wife and kids would still be here by my side, being loyal to me, loving and supporting me, and having me do exactly the same back that them. The thing is, you can’t ever prevent guilt, even when you know that whatever it was that made you feel guilty, whatever it was that happened to make you feel that way, that horrible, destructive way, wasn’t your fault.
 
 
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