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13 October 2006 @ 02:25 pm
Theatrical Muse: Week 145: Question 145  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 701


Tell the truth about something you usually lie about.


I tell people I’m ok, that is my biggest lie. I say to them that I’m fine, or, maybe, not perfectly fine, but managing anyway. I tell them, when they ask, that I’m good, or, ok, and, if they probe further, I just give them a more elaborate extension, as an explanation, on those first, initial, answers. It’s been over five years now, but people still look at me oddly sometimes, especially if they don’t know, and have been told, for the first time. Not that I go around spreading those kind of details about my past, but, some people, want to, need to, know, and, as such, I am obligated to tell them. Most people who know about who I lost, knew me when it happened, and for those scarce few who have been told over the years, they are important enough to me, to deserve to know such knowledge.

The people that know about the deaths of Marianne, Christopher and Michael, most of them know me well enough to see my lies, but, often enough, they don’t probe any further when I tell them that I’m fine. They know, that I can, and will, manage myself adequately, to the point that I don’t need to be fussed over that much. Still, sometimes, they fuss, and, if and when, such things happen, I can go into the situation willingly enough. It is not that I don’t want to offend people by shoving them away every single time they offer me help, but, the offers of help, are often, so well placed, that they occur at a time where I actually do need them. Still, though, even if there are people that do and do not know about my past, even if there are those that do know, and on occasion, offer help, assistance, an ear to listen, or a shoulder to rest on, it doesn’t stop me from lying to them. Rarely do I admit, that I’m not ok, and, by the time I get to being really, not ok, it’s usually ore than evident that I’m not very fine at all.

I lie to people, not because I seek to hurt them, or be cruelly deceitful, I lie to them, because I must. If I went around saying that I wasn’t fine all the time, or that I wasn’t ok, then, after a while, I’d begin to believe that I wasn’t actually, fine, or ok, at all.
I may be, not that fine or happy all of the time, but, the depression, the sadness, the loneliness, is not an all bodily consuming set of emotions, to the point that, even though it may entirely consume me sometimes, it is not all of the time, that I am feeling sad or alone. Given that knowledge, I say I’m fine, even though I am not, because, I know that, some time after I say such a thing, I will actually, indeed, feel fine, and perhaps, even, quite happy. In the end, at the end of the day, what happened, happened, I can not, can never, reverse that, and, so, my only choice, is, to, move on, the best I can. I will never be able to replace what I have lost, but, I still have my life, a gift for which I am very thankful, a gift which I am very thankful for. I have lost much, I have lost very much, I have lost many of the things I held to very dearly to my heart and soul. I have lost a lot, a great big lot, a great big chunk, a great big puzzle piece, and a great big hole, out of my life, that I can never ever replace, and is, truly, truly, irreplaceable. The thing is, though, no matter how much I lie, no matter how many untruths I tell, just to protect myself from really believing I’m down and out, and my time is up, I will still continue, I will still, continue, onwards and bloody upwards. It’s what they would have wanted, truly, it is. It is, truly, truly, most truly and so very, very, much, truly, what Michelle, Christopher and Michael, would have wanted.
 
 
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