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12 March 2008 @ 02:35 pm
Theatrical Muse: Week 221: Question 221  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 902


"Never pray for justice, because you might get some."
Margaret Atwood.



When I think about it, justice is one of the things I would like sometimes. Sometimes, when I am in one of my more unhappy places, one of my more depressed states of mind, I would like terrorism to end, I would like an apology for terrorist crimes, I would like to see people jailed for killing my wife, my children, people I knew, and people I didn’t know. Other times, though, when the anger, sadness and pain subsides, I am calm, and, I don’t, really, feel the need for such vengeful deliverance of justice. I am human, after all, and subject to changes in emotions, whims of thoughts, needs, wants, desires. It is just, mainly, the reason that I think about these things every now and then, is that very reasons. I am, indeed, human, and because of my designation as a human being, I can experiences one of the widest arranges or emotions known to the scientific community. It is, resultantly, no wonder that sometimes, I think vile, cruel thoughts, that, in a normal state of mind, I would never think of doing to anybody, really.

I lost everything all those years ago, all those months, days, hours, minutes, seconds ago. Every inkling of time that passes now, I am without my wife, my sons, and, I know it, oh don’t I know it. I prayed for justice then, and, sometimes, I still pray for justice now, because, I need to, somehow, in those times, I feel that I honestly need to, just, pray for something, some form of an answer. I never found them, never found a trace of their bodies, a bone, a tooth, a possession, some hair. I’ve never had, foolproof answers as to where my loved ones have gone. No doubt, in some time, I may get a call, when someone, somewhere, runs a DNA test on a dusty piece of remains, sitting on some shelf. There isn’t that much news about the towers now, what happened, what might be happening, what they’re doing. I tried to follow once, but now, I just wait, in the back of my mind, I wait for that call, that letter, that visit, even though I well know, my wife, my sons, my darling lover and our children, were probably obliterated in fire, in burning, in ashes and terror.

I don’t seek vengeance on the people who destroyed my life. I don’t want to hunt them out and kill them. Sure, I’d like to see someone punished, someone caught, because people who murder others willingly, should be jailed. That is the simple rules for crime and punishment, though, and they don’t always hold true in the real world. Murders walk free, the innocent get locked away, and even while this is all occasional happenings, it illustrates my point. Not everyone gets punished, and not everyone, gets what they deserve.

What I am trying to make clear, is, that I am sad, so very sad, that three of the people I loved the most, were destroyed by hate, by vengeance, by cruelty and spite. I can’t help but feel angry and vengeful myself sometimes, because I have lost so much, and I never, really, got to bury anyone, got to, finalise, my pain in knowing that proper justice had been served. I don’t need counselling because I’ve accepted, what has happened, and I have not been destroyed by grief, nor am I overly spiteful or vengeful to the point that I have lost the plot and gone nuts. I am, in most ways, fine, actually. I am alive, and I am grateful that I am alive, and still here to see the new days and remember the old memories. I am, eternally grateful that got to spend decades with my one and only love, my partner, my lover, my other half. I am thankful that, for a short while, I had two beautiful children, who loved and adored me.

I walk alone now. I come home, to an empty household, to empty bedrooms, an empty kitchen, a dining room, a lounge room, that, sometimes, through sleepy, unadultered eyes, seem strangled and bare. Then, I remember, what has been, what life filled these rooms, these hallways, these now empty spaces, and I smile. I had a wife, I had children, I have been married and blissfully happy, and I am forever grateful that I was allowed to learn what that was like. Without them, I am, of course, saddened, but, I am still happy, so very happy, that I am still here, that I am still alive, well, and with all my memories intact. I may, in my darker hours, pray for justice to the horrible, atrocities that were committed to this beautiful city all those years ago, and I may do so, even in my lighter hours. But, make no mistake, I will not lose my faith, nor my will, nor my ever zealous love and thirst for life. I never will, because I count myself as lucky to have had what I had, for so long. Without it, I may, sometimes, become sad, but, other times, I am so, so happy, and, so, so, alive. I have been blessed, I am blessed, and will always be blessed, with life and happiness. It is more than I could ask from life itself, and for that very fact, I am forever grateful.
 
 
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