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07 September 2007 @ 01:56 am
Theatrical Muse: Week 194: Question 194  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 531

"The true magic of this broken world lay in the ability of the things it contained to vanish, to become so thoroughly lost, that they might never have existed in the first place." The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, by Michael Chabon.

Mhm. There is sex in the air. There is a rumba in the air, something sensual, that beat that is undeniable to the human heart and the human, brilliant, colourful soul. It’s sad, but, it’s been nearly six years since my wife and children died, and, it’s tragic. Tragic, because, I’m still alive, I’m still here, and, they’re not. Yet, my feelings, continue. I look at other women, and, sometimes, men, and, I admire them, I want them, I desire, them. And, I steel myself, when I remember, my family, my past, which gets further away every day. Nearly six years, and, it feels like yesterday that my heart dropped out of my shoes and onto the floor, shattering into a million pieces in the process. The thing is, I know Marianne wouldn’t have minded me having sex with other people. We were swingers, we’d done it since we got together, basically, which was, a lifetime, a lifetime that took forever and a day. A lifetime, I treasured every moment of. She always told me, anyway, that, if she, died, I could, go on, with my sexual escapades, you know. I have, and, it’s not to say that I don’t have my regrets for doing so, but, I couldn’t, remain without sex forever. It’s not in my nature to, it’s never, been in my nature to go without the carnal pleasures, and the intricate, delicate touches that come with sexual intercourse.

It never gets easier, it never will. Psychologist after psychologist may tell you that, they have, told me that, but, it never does. Mind you, I never went to a psychologist after Marianne died, I just have psychologist friends. We shared thoughts over coffees in the aftermath of September eleventh, and, I was told things. I think, it’s as close to counselling as I’ve come, apart from other various talks with friends, family, colleagues who are also friends, and much like family.

The devices of the human mind are intricate, complicated, and, can be pleasurable and scary at the same time. What leads one man to murder, may lead the other to salvation, and so on and so forth. For me, losing my family, has not led me to suicide, but, to the relentless need to keep on going, to continue, despite all my inwards and outward feelings, because, she would have wanted me to, they, would have wanted me to. Marianne, Michael, Christopher, they would have wanted me to keep going, and, Marianne, of course, would have wanted me to keep having sex. Fortunately, I’ve kept up both the continuing, and sex parts of my life, so, in some ways, I am content and satisfied.

It is just, it’s been six years, and, although it doesn’t worry me in the slightest, I still miss them, I still dream about them, I still, sometimes, just rarely, and, occasionally, wake up and think that they are there, just waiting for me at the kitchen table. It is, a torment, really, to wake up and think you smell your wife’s perfume in the air, on your hair, and then, remember, that she’s gone, forever.

I miss her. I miss them. So much.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye - Beth Nielsen Chapman