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10 January 2007 @ 06:49 pm
Theatrical Muse: Week 159: Question 159  
Name: Dr. Sid Hammerback

Fandom: CSI: New York

Word Count: 842


Talk about one thing you hope to do in the upcoming year that you have never done before. It could be something significant or something trivial.


I don’t hope to love this year, if that’s what you mean. No, no, my life, is quite fine without a long lasting romantic love. Of course, I will have sex with people, probably many people, before the end of this New Year, but I will not stay with them, and they, they always, know it. It is not that I am incapable of hosting a relationship with another human being, nor is it that I do not care for the world anymore, the reason is, that I simply, have, no desire, for a long lasting relationship. I am not afraid of commitment, I am just, it is just, I do not, want, another long lasting relationship. Why? Because Marianne was my world, she was my everything, my be all and end all woman and partner. She was beautiful, like an ancient Greek goddess, and sculpted as such, and I have never enjoyed anything more than licking her, letting my tongue travel up the curve of her slim hips. She had soft, beautiful skin, that always had such a lovely smell to it, and as I would let my tongue travel, I could think of nothing more than her. I could wish, for nothing more than to capture her scent in a bottle, a perfume bottle, so I could have her smell always with me, as it was like some sort of divine, heavenly creation, that I needed to live, and always sought to find.

To be honest, to be blatantly and openly, honest, I don’t think I could ever find someone else again. It wouldn’t have to be someone like her, no, no, of course not, I am not as foolish as that, to think I can find someone else like her, it is just, simply, that, I do not think I can find anybody else. I do not think, I can, I could, manage, to find someone else. She was my everything, my anything, my beautiful, heavenly scented, wonderfully sculpted, Greek goddess. She bore my two wonderful, beautiful children, and still loved me. Ever since we met when we were teenagers, she had loved me, more and more, and had grown more and more beautiful by the day. The queen of beauty, chose me, over everyone else, because, she loved me. I can not replace her, because Marianne was it for me, she was, my ultimate love, my ultimate woman, partner and lover. She made me shiver, even if she wasn’t there, even if she wasn’t, in the room. I miss that, and I always will, irrelevant of, and no matter, how many people may pass before my eyes.

Marianne, my wife and my lover, gave me more than I ever could have hoped for, and, the hole she, and collectively, my children, left, in their death’s, is unable to be, is, beyond, repair. What she gave me was ultimate, and, in the end, irreplaceable. I do not hate them for dying, for leaving me, no, I never could, because it never, ever, will be their faults, but I still miss them, dearly, every single day. When you love people, when you have a partner, a lover, such as I did, any one of their deaths is a tragedy that can hardly ever be overcome. Oh yes, people do it, they get over tragic, heat breaking things, somewhat, and manage to move on, but some, some still don’t. I’m just, one of those people, who don’t, get over things like that, at least, not easily, not that easily, or, as easily, as others, as other, people, do. I may, one day, possibly, move on, in some, small, kind of way, maybe, just, maybe, I might, but, right now, and, in my foreseeable future, I can not, and, as such, am not going to. I don’t mean to sound stubborn, but, in my heart, I feel, right now, and I will, for a very long time, like I can not move on to someone else. If that changes, if, and when, it changes, then, maybe, I won’t mind, but, if it doesn’t, then I won’t mind about staying single for the rest of my life either. When I get to the future, I’ll know where my feelings lie, even if me meeting and pursuing a permanent romantic relationship with someone else, is an extreme rarity, I will still know.

For now, I will say, I will never, and can never, find someone else, and I am certain that I won’t. Marianne, was it, she was, my lover, my partner, my other half, my best friend in the whole, wide, extreme, world and universe, and I can not replace her. No, no, I retract, I never will, and I can never, find someone else, and that is that. I’m sorry, but, no, there is no possibility of someone else, there never will be, ever, in the entire, entirety, of the rest of my life. Marianne was it, and that is that. I miss her, pitifully, I miss her, and that is all.
 
 
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